Thursday, October 22, 2009

I Can't Sleep...

...which is unfortunate because I have work at 8 am, and it is currently 11:30. Eh.

**I will forewarn you...I am slightly ill at the moment...and very Melodramatic, a tad.**

I fear that I have lost all touch with the world. Ha. WOW that is a dramatic statement. But it's true, in some ways. I will be totally honest with you, blog, and others who might happen upon this blog. I don't know who I am or where I'm going right now. That is a terrifying thought.

I think...I think staying at home after college and going to community college made me grow up differently than many of my college peers. I think in some ways I lack social interaction...but in most, if not all ways, I am pretty glad about that.

When I was at home, I worked 30-40 hours a week, and took full course loads. So...I learned the value of earning and saving money (which means, I will end up with NO college loans. huzzah!) Not that everyone around me doesn't have that knowledge...but I have seen first-hand the reality of working 7am-5:30pm shifts with only a 20 minute lunch break, being bitched out by patients and doctors alike, but earning that paycheck...and then putting it into your savings account...and going to MSU...and seeing it all...gradually...go...away. And it literally is kind of a painful experience. Because I know how hard I worked, and not only that, I know what I gave up to get that money.

I know I gave up making friends that would understand and be going through the same things in being away from home for the first time right out of high school...rather than 2 years later, as you're turning 21. I know I gave up attending some parties and joining groups and getting involved from the get-go. I watched all of my best friends go to college and have new experiences, and many of them changed before my eyes. And I kept waiting for my turn.

And now, I have trouble with those things. Yeah, it is kind of nice and a strangely independent feeling to be in your own place, especially when I'm paying for my own schoolin'. But I'm not gonna lie--my family is really important to me. My mom and I are so alike...maybe too much. And I tell her more than I tell anyone. And she understands my paranoid thought process and my nervousness, and maybe even slight anxiety/OCD-ness that 99% of my friends have no idea I have...because I don't just share my thoughts with anyone...I'll listen always...but I have to be very comfortable to share. And now that I'm here and a senior, I'm scared to let that show to new people. What's the point, is what I tell myself, since I will be graduating in May.

The truth is...I don't have a safety net here anymore. When I started high school and marching band, it was scary, and I was shy, but I knew people. My sister was there, and I had the freshman common bonding experience. And I grew so much those 4 years, and I would give anything to have those friendships and laughter back.

I am so glad I did community college. It was the right choice for me, because honestly, I am not that fond of college as a whole and if it wasn't for some urging from my parents, and a little tiny spark of a "will I regret not doing this later" thought, I would not be in college right now. I don't mind working as a receptionist or substitute teaching. Just something to pay the bills.

But a little part of me feels like that cheated me out of some college development. I never would have been a "partier", or a big drinker, or joined a sorority, or anything like that. But I probably would have joined some groups, found some friends, some common interests. And living at home and working all that time gave me a sort of cynicism that I don't like at all. Because I can't just spend money any time, I can't just drop everything to go downtown without thinking things through. I am tooooo practical-minded. Which is great, when I'm a mom some day. But where does it get me now, when I'm in my "be a college kid and enjoy it while you can" phase.

I just got a job at the clinic on campus, and honestly, I'm regretting it before I start. I just had training yesterday, and it was SO disorganized, and they are SO busy, and they have me scheduled before AND after my 5 classes that are already back to back to back...GAH. And I'm just wondering why I'm willingly walking into that. So who knows if I'll keep that job. I'll give it a fair shot...but I don't know why I applied anywhere on campus in the first place, because I honestly have grown to dislike the college atmosphere so much, and Springfield in general, to be honest.

All I want to do is graduate...and all I want to do is be back in KC. I can say that. My love for the Kansas City area has grown since moving here, and I definitely want to be around there for a long time. Family is way important to me, and I couldn't bear not being able to be with family for every holiday and birthday celebration. Call me lame if you want, but I don't care.

I am so frustrated and I don't know where I belong. I'm just someone who is mentally over the college phase of life...but I'm still stuck here, playing the "college" game. However, I know once I get out I will have no idea what I'm doing with my life and instantly want to be back in school because at least there, you're working towards a goal.

However...I am trying to learn patience. And trust in God. Because He has a plan for my life, and right now...this is where He has me. So I'm going to make myself get out there and get involved with...something. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm done talking myself out of things. I sell myself short way too often, and I know I am capable of more than I tell myself I am. I have friends that have stuck with me this long despite all my character a few more might grow to love me too...hmm? A very wise woman (My Mommy) has been telling me not to wish my days and time away. I keep saying that I can't wait for Thanksgiving, Christmas...can't wait to graduate. But I'm here now...and there's something here for me.