Sometimes my life looks so much different than the picture I always had in my mind when I was little.

And a lot of the time, I just wonder what God is up to...and I'm trying not to get tired of waiting to find out.

I would like to inform everyone that there are 23 school days left until the end of semester. Not that I'm counting. HOORAY!

There are lots of things to look forward to right now, especially Christmas. I couldn't stop myself from watching Elf the other day, and I secretly (or not so secretly) watch Christmas episodes of my favorite tv shows all the time.

Anyway...in other news. My semester has hit a stressful point. For a while I was coasting, but now EVERYTHING is due...GAH. I feel like my brain might explode. The good thing is that once I get to Thanksgiving break, the roughest part of my semester is over.

And next semester...I have 2 night classes, two afternoon T/Th classes, and an online class. So it shan't be bad at all, plus there's the whole graduation thing to look forward to.

Also, I have recently discovered that pixy sticks make nearly any day and any situation better.

whoa, was that post random. There was really no point to that, other than a quick life update to the 1...possibly 2...people who read this because I am too lazy to extend this anymore.

Can I also tell you that this site will entertain anyone who has ever dealt with customer service in any form:

http://notalwaysright.com/

OH! I also designed an interactive resume. From scratch. Like...made all the HTML and everything. I know it's nerdy, but I'm pretty darn proud of the fact that I did that, and it looked pretty good. I would post it here, but I'm not that brave.

I think that's all the randomness for now.

I Can't Sleep...

...which is unfortunate because I have work at 8 am, and it is currently 11:30. Eh.

**I will forewarn you...I am slightly ill at the moment...and very tired...so. Melodramatic, a tad.**

I fear that I have lost all touch with the world. Ha. WOW that is a dramatic statement. But it's true, in some ways. I will be totally honest with you, blog, and others who might happen upon this blog. I don't know who I am or where I'm going right now. That is a terrifying thought.

I think...I think staying at home after college and going to community college made me grow up differently than many of my college peers. I think in some ways I lack social interaction...but in most, if not all ways, I am pretty glad about that.

When I was at home, I worked 30-40 hours a week, and took full course loads. So...I learned the value of earning and saving money (which means, I will end up with NO college loans. huzzah!) Not that everyone around me doesn't have that knowledge...but I have seen first-hand the reality of working 7am-5:30pm shifts with only a 20 minute lunch break, being bitched out by patients and doctors alike, but earning that paycheck...and then putting it into your savings account...and going to MSU...and seeing it all...gradually...go...away. And it literally is kind of a painful experience. Because I know how hard I worked, and not only that, I know what I gave up to get that money.

I know I gave up making friends that would understand and be going through the same things in being away from home for the first time right out of high school...rather than 2 years later, as you're turning 21. I know I gave up attending some parties and joining groups and getting involved from the get-go. I watched all of my best friends go to college and have new experiences, and many of them changed before my eyes. And I kept waiting for my turn.

And now, I have trouble with those things. Yeah, it is kind of nice and a strangely independent feeling to be in your own place, especially when I'm paying for my own schoolin'. But I'm not gonna lie--my family is really important to me. My mom and I are so alike...maybe too much. And I tell her more than I tell anyone. And she understands my paranoid thought process and my nervousness, and maybe even slight anxiety/OCD-ness that 99% of my friends have no idea I have...because I don't just share my thoughts with anyone...I'll listen always...but I have to be very comfortable to share. And now that I'm here and a senior, I'm scared to let that show to new people. What's the point, is what I tell myself, since I will be graduating in May.

The truth is...I don't have a safety net here anymore. When I started high school and marching band, it was scary, and I was shy, but I knew people. My sister was there, and I had the freshman common bonding experience. And I grew so much those 4 years, and I would give anything to have those friendships and laughter back.

I am so glad I did community college. It was the right choice for me, because honestly, I am not that fond of college as a whole and if it wasn't for some urging from my parents, and a little tiny spark of a "will I regret not doing this later" thought, I would not be in college right now. I don't mind working as a receptionist or substitute teaching. Just something to pay the bills.

But a little part of me feels like that cheated me out of some college development. I never would have been a "partier", or a big drinker, or joined a sorority, or anything like that. But I probably would have joined some groups, found some friends, some common interests. And living at home and working all that time gave me a sort of cynicism that I don't like at all. Because I can't just spend money any time, I can't just drop everything to go downtown without thinking things through. I am tooooo practical-minded. Which is great, when I'm a mom some day. But where does it get me now, when I'm in my "be a college kid and enjoy it while you can" phase.

I just got a job at the clinic on campus, and honestly, I'm regretting it before I start. I just had training yesterday, and it was SO disorganized, and they are SO busy, and they have me scheduled before AND after my 5 classes that are already back to back to back...GAH. And I'm just wondering why I'm willingly walking into that. So who knows if I'll keep that job. I'll give it a fair shot...but I don't know why I applied anywhere on campus in the first place, because I honestly have grown to dislike the college atmosphere so much, and Springfield in general, to be honest.

All I want to do is graduate...and all I want to do is be back in KC. I can say that. My love for the Kansas City area has grown since moving here, and I definitely want to be around there for a long time. Family is way important to me, and I couldn't bear not being able to be with family for every holiday and birthday celebration. Call me lame if you want, but I don't care.

I am so frustrated and I don't know where I belong. I'm just someone who is mentally over the college phase of life...but I'm still stuck here, playing the "college" game. However, I know once I get out I will have no idea what I'm doing with my life and instantly want to be back in school because at least there, you're working towards a goal.

However...I am trying to learn patience. And trust in God. Because He has a plan for my life, and right now...this is where He has me. So I'm going to make myself get out there and get involved with...something. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm done talking myself out of things. I sell myself short way too often, and I know I am capable of more than I tell myself I am. I have friends that have stuck with me this long despite all my character flaws...so a few more might grow to love me too...hmm? A very wise woman (My Mommy) has been telling me not to wish my days and time away. I keep saying that I can't wait for Thanksgiving, Christmas...can't wait to graduate. But I'm here now...and there's something here for me.

Uhm, I'm not so good with the whole remembering to blog thing. Oops.

Hello again! 

I don't really write to anyone in particular. Which is kind of odd, but somewhat freeing. So I continue.  Well well well...I have been working and interning.  And really, the interning thing is a lot like high school/first years of college, because I work on my own, which means I procrastinate.  Unfortunately, now I'm down to my last 2 weeks, and I have to put in nearly 5 hours a day of work.  Which is fine, except I'm working 20-30 hours a week. And, you know, trying to hang out with people and such. Whatever. 

In other news...not much.  I've been reconnected/hanging out with old and new (ish) friends. Not really new, just newer than my old ones. Ha. Been to some weddings/showers/baby events. It kind of makes me sad.  But then I look at my present and my future and realize that sometimes I have no idea what the heck I'm doing so I've really got a lot on my plate.  Just trying to be patient...but hurry up...a little. :)

Speaking of that, I had a dream about a mystery boy. I've never seen him in real life, but he was exactly my type, in terms of looks, and personality, and he was really big on protecting me and making me laugh.  I mean, do I think I'll meet him? Realistically no, but it's all I've got going for me in that department right now, so I choose to think maybe I will. It's ok to have hopes, isn't it? Anyway, it happened after I had a slightly crappy night in terms of boys and awkwardness...and. It made me happier. So there.

I'm kinda in a weird phase in my life right now.  I think everyone anywhere close to my age is, the difference being I'm home and thoughtful and near a computer right now, thus I'm not afraid to admit it.  I feel like I'm having trouble deciding what is important enough to hold onto and take into the future with me...and what just gradually needs to fall out of my life.  That's hard for me, because I hate change/losing friends, etc. But it's part of growing up.  So here's to growing up...but staying young at heart?? Eh? But really...I just kind of feel like I think too much.  I've been biting my tongue/cheek/grinding my teeth in my sleep, too, so it's carrying over there, and I really think I'm just worrying pretty constantly, and far more than any person should. Which isn't a surprise, I just haven't figured out how to master it in my 21 years of living. I just feel like I'm definitely not the same as I used to be...or like I am, but maybe everyone else isn't? Which is ok, but I'm just wondering when "my people" will show up, or when I will find "my niche". I don't know. I'm tired and rambling. 

Someone asked me today what kind of job I want after I graduate, and I stared blankly at them.  So I guess I should get on that. 

I've been wanting to have a Christmas movie/music/food marathon soon, so I need to get on organizing that. 

That is all.

Oooooh...the blogging world.

Hellooooo Blogging World! 

Many of my friends have now moved/are in the process of moving far away from me. :( However, the good news is that this thing they call the world wide web makes it possible for us to communicate! Huzzah! (Although I think today I heard Barack Obama say something about a technology czar...wuh oh.) 

I wish I had something interesting to say, but sadly, I just worked 10 hours and my brain is mush. I am working, and getting ready to start a class and an internship, and I have only one year of school left for-ev-er. (That was supposed to be like The Sandlot...did that come across?)

Last night was game night at ms. sarah's, and boy did I miss game night. No one at college thought game-playing was cool! Boy were they wrong. 

Eh. I have other things I should be doing right now, and also, my computer might die soon. So I shall leave you for now, loves!